Chronic Illness, Self-Compassion and Living Shame-Free
Are you giving yourself enough credit?
When living with chronic illness, it can be difficult to accept that you are not able to do what you were capable of prior to your diagnosis. This can lead to frustration and unrealistic expectations. The result is often pressure to “push through” symptoms. As you probably already know, this almost always does not turn out well.
The way to counteract this tendency is with self-compassion.
Self-compassion requires a shift in mindset regarding how you think about the reality of your current situation. It requires an adjustment in expectations. What you were capable of before might not be remotely realistic now.
This mindset shift can require many practical changes in your life. And, the transition can be particularly difficult when you are doing your best to listen to your body, but your symptoms are unpredictable.
Try to give yourself compassion for what you are going through and what you are expecting of yourself.
There is no easy way to do this. This is why it is important to give yourself space to feel the feelings (frustration, disappointment, grieving, etc.) AND to give yourself some space and grace to prioritize your health and cope with your symptoms.
You are dealing with A LOT. Give yourself some credit for all that you are going through! I hope you realize all that it is taking for you to merely survive. I also hope you recognize what you are doing to the best of your ability.
Having some patience with yourself (including your body) and giving yourself some grace is a requirement for living well with chronic illness.
In my experience, when we are not giving ourselves compassion, we open ourselves up to feeling shame related to our chronic illness and how it impacts how we are able to show up everyday.
When we show ourselves compassion, it might make it easier to flip the script on feelings of shame. When we truly recognize what we are experiencing and the choices we need to make as a result, it is hard to feel ashamed about it. I mean, would someone else in your shoes be able to do any better? I seriously doubt it.
Back in the day, I felt shame for all kinds of things related to my cancer and chronic illnesses.
I felt “less than” because I did not have the energy or lung capacity to do what I could before.
I felt shame around not healing as fast as my doctors had told me I would.
I wondered about what was wrong with me - was I deficient in some way?
Did I somehow cause this to happen?
Why did weird symptoms keep appearing that would require me to see yet another specialist (like POTS, hives and lung infections).
How could my body be so out-of-control? I was hoping to get better, but the opposite was happening.
I felt a lack of sympathy/empathy or belief from some of my providers and people in my life.
When was this going to be over?
And, then at some point, one of my doctors, who I had perceived to be unsympathetic to my experience, said that I had a particularly rough recovery from chemo. The provider thought it was likely due to the fact that I had given birth to my daughter just months before starting chemo and that the lung damage I incurred further complicated matters. The general opinion was that my body had been through so much stress in such a short period of time that it was no wonder I did not bounce right back.
Um, thanks for noticing… years later. It felt good to be validated. But, that was after years of feeling looked down on for not recovering more quickly and trying to push myself to be more in line with expectations (others’ and mine).
But, then I realized, I had nothing to be ashamed of.
I was not in control of what was happening to my body, and I would not wish it on myself or anyone else. I realized that if anyone who was doubting me was going through an ounce of what I was, they probably would not treat me that way. And, I should not be treating myself that way either.
I had a lot to recover from. I had a messy immune system and my body was exhausted. I needed to prioritize my health, and stop trying to push myself.
How to flip the script?
For more information on flipping your script around self-compassion and shame, Apply to work with me.
While the way out of this mindset cycle will look different for all of us,
I suspect that most of us will begin to find our way when we start to listen to our mind/body signals, give ourselves some compassion, and stop feeling shame for prioritizing our health and wellness.
It seems that chronic illness can be so much about how the individual is perceived or treated by others. I get it because when you are feeling vulnerable, it would be great to receive some empathy and kindness rather than disbelief or judgment.
But, at some point, I realized that if a particular person or provider does not treat me the way I like, I need to either move past needing their validation or, in some cases, move on completely - to another doctor, to another friend, etc. I have enough on my plate. Dealing with other people’s feelings or perceptions is outside of my control and not where I want to put my energy, especially when that energy is scarce.
I also needed to realize that just because one person did not perceive me the way I hoped, it did not invalidate my experience and my firsthand knowledge of what I was going through. So, I stopped feeling ashamed. I started to think about my recovery and my chronic illness as more of a badge of my inner strength and what I have lived through, than some commentary on my body’s weakness or insufficiency.
Now, when I need to make tough choices around prioritizing my health, I feel good making decisions supporting what is right for me. While I might be disappointed, I don’t feel ashamed. I actually feel proud of what I am doing to take care of myself. Other people’s thoughts and feelings around where I spend my time and energy become so much less relevant. I know better than anyone else what is right for me. And, I suspect that you know the same for yourself.
My hope is that the next time you start to feel some shame about the way your chronic illness impacts your life, flip the script.
Show yourself some compassion and realize how great you are doing with what you are handling. You will find your path to balancing your illness with what is most important to you. It just may take some time, effort and difficult decisions around your priorities.
If you are looking to flip the script on your chronic illness and find ways to live well with it, apply to work with me. I would love to help you find your unique chronic wellness balance.
What do you notice about your ideas and thought patterns with respect to self-compassion and shame as it relates to your chronic illness?
What are you doing well with balancing your chronic illness and day-to-day life?
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